Yesterday I welcomed a new age. All I could think about was how grateful I am for the year that had just ran its course. During my 45th year of life, I got to know myself much deeper, I spent a lot of time looking at my internal mirror and at my discomforts. And I managed to feel at ease with myself and to feel different about things that either really bothered me or went missing when I most needed them. But here it the thing the Rolling Stones taught us all: You can't always get what you want / But if you try sometimes, well, you might find / You get what you need. So, during my last year of life, that ended yesterday, I got what I needed. And that is the most precious thing one can conquer from life.
180 Degrees
One year ago, I was living a family life like I had never experienced: I had finally decided to try to live with a man, who is not the father of my daughters. If you are a parent, or if you have ever lived with a stepparent, you know it can be scary. Since I split up from the father of my girls (they were 3 and 1 year old, respectively), I had been very cautious about bringing boyfriends to the house. Let alone move in together with one! But I was engaged, and I decided to give it a try. As a result, we rented a big house, three-story, and the dynamics of our lives changed a lot - happy dinners, game nights, and a busy schedule. As I work from home, that started to disturb my schedule. It was too much. With my girls, we have a balance that is implicit at all times. They know when I am available. When I am quietly writing. But with my fiancée this dynamic changed, and I was struggling a lot to re-adjust. Life was so hectic that I could not take care of the house, the relationships or myself.
Empty Nest
It turns out our relationship had been deteriorating, and the plans to get married were put on hold. We started fighting a lot, and as much as I wanted a partner in life, I saw that it was not him. And vice-versa. After five years together, we decided to split up. It was painful, as any break-up is, but also very relieving. This happened last July. Well, in August my older daughter went to college. I remember dropping her off and not wanting to come home. With all her excitement and fears of starting a new phase, I wanted to put her under my wings and protect her from... life?
Me and my younger were now alone in the big house, left to discover a new routine that started to unfold slowly, but surely. All my fears gave place to the most wonderful feeling of joy, because for the first time in life I had exclusive time with my baby (who is taller than me, but still my little pea). At the same time, with just the two of us, I had time to catch up on my reading, sleeping and exercising. We signed up for the same gym and we would go, religiously, five times a week. Together. What a pleasure! My extra pounds, that I had gained in the previous year, disappeared! I was meditating 40 minutes before going to bed, and in the morning. My sleep got better, my chakras realigned, and I started to loosen up. This week we are moving to a smaller apartment, two bedrooms, just the size we need!
Burnout
In parallel, I had just left the company I was working for the past two years. I had been exclusive with them, supervising literally 70+ projects a year. Films and TV series. As a director of content, I was very happy with the team and the content, but exhausted. I had zero time to keep up with my own books or scripts, and I missed my clients. Note that I have been working as a consultant in the entertainment industry since 1997, and I absolutely love having different projects and interacting with a multitude of clients, in different roles.
As I left this job position, I felt terrified, since a consultant income is completely different from a guaranteed paycheck at the end of the month. Guess what? Soon I was making more money, going back to my old clients and working on projects that I handpicked. And that company I was working for became one of my dear clients!
I found time to finish my first English Language book (a memoir), to negotiate the release of my children’s book and to put this website together! I took my Instagram account public (it was private since 2013) and started advertising myself, because I want to sell my books! Now I am writing a TV show and a feature film. What a fantastic turnaround! Theory x Reality
In theory, I was where I wanted to be a year ago. In reality, I didn’t want those things anymore. They seemed to work on paper. But the truth is, I was unhappy. So, in the middle of this quarantine, I just want to say that I have faith that all things happen for a fair reason (not necessarily bad or good, but exactly what you need). I am happy that I came full circle to celebrate one more year!